Thursday, 16 June 2016

Vote Cartmexit

The next race-meeting at Cartmel is scheduled for Friday 24th June, the day when most people will wake up wondering whether Britain is still part of the European Union. I don't know which way you're planning to vote, but here on the Cartmel peninsula I'm optimistic that we'll be offered a third option on the ballot paper – Cartmexit.

The independent state of Cartmel, encompassing Cark, Flookburgh and Grange-over-Sands, will be ready to negotiate trade deals with nations throughout the world… although there is likely to be a strong emphasis on self sufficiency too, which means that established producers such as Cartmel Sticky Toffee Pudding, Willow Water, Cartmel Cheeses and the micro-brewery at Unsworth's Yard will become vital staples of our economy. Doubters on the campaign trail have questioned whether man can live on beer and sticky toffee pudding alone, but I see no reason why we shouldn't give it a try.

We'll continue to welcome visitors of course - and I hope that we'll adopt an enlightened position towards immigration. The British culinary repertoire has benefited significantly in recent generations from the influx of recipes from India, Italy and Greece. Despite the anxiety-inducing headlines, I'm looking forward to discovering more about the Turkish palate: their taste for slow roasted mutton could be a sublime match for salt-marsh lamb, reared locally on the shores of Morecambe Bay.

Americans, Russians and Glaswegians will all be made to feel very much at home in Cartmel, where many already come to visit Simon Rogan’s fabled restaurant L’Enclume. We might adopt a points-based-system for Yorkshiremen, linked to their propensity to open their wallets. No offence intended, it's just that we will need visitors to spend money in the Cartmel economy.

In fact, I suspect we might make it a law that every visitor has to dine at least twice a day in one of the excellent local pubs and restaurants - including the recently opened Ilex Restaurant, located in the courtyard at Holker Hall. The laws will be agreed through a democratically elected parliament and forged in the fire of the Cartmel Court. I know it sounds a bit old fashioned, but a similar rule of law once worked quite well in Britain, before the European Union took precedence.

Visitors to Cartmel Racecourse are unlikely to notice much difference – many already comment, on arrival, that they feel as though they’ve entered another world. I guess it’s possible that the newly formed Cartmel Horseracing Authority will grant the racecourse some additional fixtures - supported through the Racing Right, a new piece of legislation which will ensure that off-shore bookmakers in locations like Gibraltar, England and Wales pay a fair price for the off-course betting product.

The Racing Right will help us to raise prize funds so that previous Cartmel winners, like Commissioned (this week’s selection), won’t have to go scrapping around on the Flat for minor trophies like the Queen Alexandra Stakes at Royal Ascot on Saturday. 

Whichever way the vote goes next week, I hope that you’ll join us at the racecourse to celebrate the result – because, even if Cartmel votes ‘leave’, we like it better when we’re all together. Does that make things clearer? Happy voting.

No comments:

Post a Comment